Text, narration & production © 2021 C. Kurtz.
Music: Bach, Cello Suite No.3 in C major, bourrée.
“Your first wife married you for better or for worse. Your second wife married you for better.” ―Tom Wolfe.
She left me flat and broke my heart —
but it’s OK now if I fart;
who cares what she might bloody think —
I’ll trim my nose hairs in the sink;
she didn’t like to hear me snore —
but now they’re louder and they’re more;
the toilet seat’s now up to me —
I get to choose which way I pee;
and those big sneezes she disdained —
these days, they’re even less restrained.
She used to be so embarrassed
but now imagine how I’m dressed;
and girls with those huge mammaries,
I’ll look at them as much I please;
those Tom Wolfe books I’d leave around —
who gives a damn now if they’re found?;
she used to say it’s unrefined
but I like junk if you don’t mind;
the toothpaste cap, the final straw,
but now I hardly brush at all.
Who cares now if I stay up late
or use the tub to masturbate?;
who cares now if I smoke again? —
she’s prob’ly out with other men;
who gives a crap if I get fat,
I don’t even live with a cat;
who’s going to check me for a tick? —
who’s going to perform a Heimlich?;
I get to live life as I wish
and who will care when I perish?
“Bachelor” originally published in published in Havik 2021.